About Brad B

(by Brad B. 4/2018)

Hitting Bottom

My alcohol (vodka) abuse bottom presents in the form of morning nausea, heaving, sweats, coughing and congestion upon waking up in the morning (or whenever). I would sit up in bed and this would usually last about, on average, from one to three hours with the shakes worsening within and beyond that time frame. During that time I would say to myself I am not going to take a drink and other times I would just say “screw it” and start my day with a drink. That drink fixed it. When I hit this bottom point I become mostly isolated, have groceries and liquor, in large quantities, delivered. On average, my normal consumption of Vodka during this period, daily, would be around 2/3 – 3/4 and sometimes a whole of a fifth of vodka per day.

Submission/Surrender

Over the past 12+ years I have been locked into this “halfhearted surrender or acceptance, unconscious compliance” quagmire as evidenced by numerous periods of abstinence, 4 separate detoxes, 1 inferior residential treatment, and then picking up again and again. I was caught up in the indirection as mentioned in the article. Mostly I would say, simply, “I just can’t drink anymore”. Though the heaviest drinking has presented over these past 12 years the pattern began to manifest about 28 years ago.

The article mentions a gentleman that stated “I know all the reasons (paraphrasing) why I want to quit drinking, but I just don’t know how to be reasonable”.  In my desire to become sober I have yet to take the proper steps to truly act on these reasons or form the strength from within. During this “adult adolescence” I have proven to myself that I do not know how to be reasonable when it comes to my addiction. The article mentions undermining resistance, which does not really surface until a time after dissipating strength in abstinence or compliance.

In other words, I would tell myself that I can do this myself by abstaining or with a detox. However, none of these methods of abstinent periods, detoxes/residential treatment has led me towards a path of educating myself about me and true acceptance, leading to sobriety.

In the recent past I believed that accountability would be the key for me – I was dead wrong. I have come to the realization that I do not yet have the tools and education to identify the underlying issues, within me, and exposing them, that will eventually lead to complete surrender, accountability, acceptance and ultimately heartfelt sobriety. As I continue this new path to sobriety I realize that there are many underlying issues in my life and solutions to dealing with my addiction will present if, for the most part, I just get out of my own way.

Compliance/Acceptance

I am the epitome of the narrative in the article surrounding compliance and unconscious compliance. In other words, to me, compliance in any form is half hearted surrender or halfhearted acceptance. Though I wished to truly “accept” that I am an alcoholic that belief was only “skin-deep” – truly believing that I vehemently disliked my use of alcohol and would abstain and/or go to detox. “I just can’t drink anymore”.

After a period of abstention I would start to entertain the thought of one drink, or maybe a glass of wine, which presented from my unconscious (which I did not know this is where it came from).

Therefore, conscious compliance coupled with subconscious compliance (thoughts of drinking) does not equate to surrender or acceptance… it only leaves the door open for a relapse and eventual bottom dwelling in a sea of alcohol and isolation.

My compliance does not equate to surrender but actually blocks the true capacity for me to surrender and achieve acceptance. I agreed to be agreeable and “complied” with my exhaustive attempts to control my drinking without identifying the real causes for my addiction.

My ego also manifested itself through the use of both conscious and unconscious compliance mechanisms that I possess. (That all people possess?)

Conclusion

I would characterize entry into my treatment community of piers, friends and clinical as an initial act of surrender and have realized, and continue to realize, a sense of unity and unfounded support amongst piers, clinicians and admin that, in conjunction with fellowship connects, will provide a pathway to heartfelt acceptance and sobriety. I have always been sincere in my desires to stop my drinking, aware of the constant battle between my abstinence and using, and aware of the consequences. Past methodologies did not work. But now I have the strength of a small community of piers, with pretty much the same philosophy and morals that I maintain, and this is very appealing to my mindset.

As the Big Book says (We Agnostics intro) “If a mere code of morals or better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago.”

This statement says a lot about my pattern of alcohol abuse. As I have said many times in group, “this time is different for me…” and actually fulfilling and completing these types of exercises, along with community and fellowship support, I feel more confidence and certainty than I have ever felt before.

Notes/Questions

Dumbing this down and making it simple

Identifying a higher power? Serenity Prayer? Self will is bad, ongoing in my case…

“God” has granted me free will and a better way of living…

I surrender… “God”, you take it…
I surrender, you take it…